whoop whoop ^^

I finally seem to drop some weight. (Yes I know, girls and their weight) But since last year after I lost my job I just piled on. It´s not obese but it´s to much for my comfort. :( Just staying at home doing nothing is not good for your self esteem.
So now when I´m starting to loose it again Im super super happy :D :D I´m starting to find myself again and it´s a much prettier me than before :P Haha

XoXo

The List

I have this list of things I want to do before the end, and I feel like I really need to get started. There is one thing, which I dont want to write here just yet :P But I will tell you it will acquire some physical exercise to make it happen.
I will also set a time limit since that seems to be my best motivation. Also the fact that I have now written it here will help me stay on track.
With a time limit of four months I now have to write down a step by step solution to make this dream happen.
Another promise is to post the progress and result here. Hahha And within a month I´ll tell you what my first goal is. Please be aware that it´ll be classy and only not for anyone else but myself.

Til next time.. take care :D

Xo

Feeling blue

Watching myself when I'm taking strides but here comes the moon and it feels and it feels like an informer quick run away hide before they see you, you know it is all, all a glow

Walking on water seems parlays now you got my trust and it feels, and it feels like sabotage when I'm pulling triggers back on myself you know it is all I know, is all I know

And it feels so real from the outside looking in
And it feels so real from the outside
From the outtttt
From the outtt tyrant
Tyrant tyranttt

Feel capable of most anything this crippled bears gonna sing gonna bring you all the years is quick turn around look your shadows could could not beautiful lies for you is what they do ..

I'll stay with apathy im blind but I can see the tyrant to the bone
I'll stay with apathy im blind but I can see

Don't justify me
Don't justify me
Don't justify meeeeeee

No nononononon

And it feels so real from the outside looking in
And it feels so real from the outside
From the outtttt
And it feels so real from the outside looking in
And it feels so real from the outside
From the outtttt

Tyrant

Never minde this...

Skulle varit bra att börjat skolan INNAN nyår.

Är så sjukt trött nu att jag skoja inte när jag säger att jag ser i kors.

Good night. Sleep tight.

Greek overdose hahaha

I admit I´ve been surrounded by greek stuff since I got back. Been trying to find a language course. Listening to music as often as I can. And now, I may have had an overdose. Been having really vivid dreams the two days. And as you might have guessed they have something to do about Greece. hahaha Dont get me wrong. Im Loving it. But its sooo vivid it feels real. So when I wake up I get all disappointed. HAHAH.

So.. I bid you all... A good night hahahahahha

Sleep tight and sweet dream :P

Hemma från Grekland

Kom hem från Grekland för ett par dagar sedan. Lång hemresa. Men åh andra sidan så var resan dit lika lång hahaha. Oh how I miss Greece. Det är verkligen en speciell känsla där som inte går att beskriva. Den måste upplevas. Men jag vet inte om man får samma upplevelse om man inte känner någon där. Folk som känner området och vad man ska se och så vidare. Jag skulle lätt kunna prata om hela resan här men det är roligare att berätta ansikte mot ansikte. haha Så fråga om du vill veta :P

Anyhow... Sitter här och lyssnar på lite musik. (Anna vet vilken artist det är hahahahahah) Och funderar på de nästa månaderna. Om knappt en månad så bär det av till visingsö. Där börjar skolan, som pågår i 6 veckor. Sedan, mina damer och herrar, så bär det av till mitt underbara England. Där ska jag vara i 12 veckor i härliga Brighton. Blir nog ganska lagom att komma dit innan våren börjar blomma ut. Så underbart.
Jag hoppas mer än någonting att jag sedan får ett jobb eller kanske hittar någon mer kurs som jag gillar och kan plugga lite till. Det spelar inte så jätte stor roll om vilket det blir. Men ett jobb och lite betalt vore ju inte helt fel. Men åh andra sidan så blir det ingen semester den sommaren. Och jag vill verkligen verkligen, verkligen åka till Grekland. Om jag har råd med det det vill säga. And guess what I just realized. Jag får en stoor skatteåterbärgning nästa år. Och det kommer gå till resan. OM det funkar för alla givetvis. HAHAHAH.

Now I need to sleep. Hoping to get some workout done tomorrow. haha. Good night and sleep tight :D :D :D

Thursday tomorrow

Can´t believe its thursday tomorrow. What ever happened to monday and tuesday? Still dont hve a bag to pack my stuff in. Sucks big time. And Im not sure of what to pack. HAHA Im guessing I can pack a whole lot now, since Im not carrying it on the plane. :P Have to have some space for the shopping as Anna said :P
The shoes I ordered by the way was super duper cute. Only a tad bit to small. So I sent them back. :( Im gonna try going to sleep now. Im not sure Ill sleep though. Even if I didnt sleep last night Im not extremely tired. Maybe it´ll hit me once Im in bed. ahha.
Good night sweet angels. :P

Okey. All better now

NOW, I´ve finally booked my flight. I can hear the hallelujah chorus. HAHA. So in a few hours, next week Ill be one my way to Greece. Do I really neeeed to tell you how happy I am!? haha. Anyhow. I just have to book the train tickets now so Im off. Anna, I see you next week (WIIIE) ahhaha

Alltså vad i helvete är det för fel ...

Jag börjar bli rädd på riktigt för att flyga nu alltså. Har letat och letat och letat I TRE DAGAR JAG SKOJAR INTE. Min reskassa är inte stor så jag har begränsningar. NU när jag jag ÄNTLIGEN har hittat ett jävla sätt att ta mig hem från flygplatsen,... TROR NI ATT DET GÅR ATT BOKA FLYGET DÅ ELLER. NEEEEEJ. Jag vill bara ta mig från Sverige till Grekland så billigt som möjligt men det ska visst inte få bli så. Jag håller på att riva av mig håret. Att boka resor är (VAR) det roligaste jag vet. INTE NU LÄNGRE. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I usually loose these picture somewhere in my album

When ever I start talking to someone new, eventually it will reach the surface that Im a bit artistic. That I do draw when ever Im hit by inspiration or even do a sculpture of some kind. Therefore I will but my pictures in this blog.

So darn funny

Im still ill. Fever and no strength to really do anything. Sooo occasionally I log on and check my facebook, twitter ec. ec. Boring and ehm. Boring. haha. But I´ve also been drawing and designing which is so so much fun. I was also struck by the sensational and funny comedy of "The black Adder", with Rowan Atkinson, Huge Laurie among other. So incredible funny and witty. I love that dry and quick humor that the British has. HAHA. Thinking about watching "Coupling"... again. I´ve only seen it about four times so I dont know ALL the lines just yet. HAHAA.
Also thinking about seriously finishing that script of mine. Yes, yes, yes I know. I´ve said that before. But It´s just becuase I have to many ideas trapped in my head. And once I start, they all wanna come out. ALL AT ONCE. That my friends, is not good. HAHA

Til next time. Keep it true. Keep it honest and you will be safe :)

Oh and watch this. Is sooo funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw06hnQJq3M&NR=1

Cant sleep...

I saw the picture dad sent me of grandpa today. From the week before he past away. It gave me a terrible ache in my stomach. It´s soon two months since.. that awful day and I still dont get it. I saw the coffin. I´ve seen the look in my grandmothers eyes. What´s even worse then that is, that I saw the look on my fathers face. His father, hero, mentor and pretty much his whole life, past away. I KNOW his body is berried. I even know that he lies with his face so he can see the sun rising.
But I cant FEEL it. I cant recall ever seeing my father cry before either. So when I saw dad´s face at the funeral, it was like my heart broke into thousands of pieces. And now Im not only trying to find them all again. I have to put them together. Like I wont believe it, and I wont be whole until they are all back together. The cracks will still be there, but it will be one, whole, piece.

I dont really want to imagine it. But its hard not to these days. That, what will happen the day I face, what my father just did!? Im not entirely sure I can take that. A countless number of times I have woken up and cried in my mothers arms about that day. I believe I was 17 the last time I did that. Not being able to fall asleep because of those thoughts. Or waking up in the middle of the night, sweat actually poring down my face of panic.
The day after an "attack" like that I would usually wake up in cold sweat by the dreams and thoughts of my own death. What DOES really happen when we no longer have a body? Does the soul and mind just sees to exist?
That thought was.. if one can say this, eased by the death of my grandfather.
In those last three days of his life, he was surrounded by his wife and children. They all watched over him by his bed and some of them held his hands.
During that last day, his eyes which were bloodshed and had been closed most of that day....That very last seconds he opened his eyes, now bright white and clear, and looked up. He didnt see his family, even though Im sure he knew they where there. Instead he looked beyond them upon something else. And with a smile he was gone.
Im not a believer. Correction. I Wasn´t a believer until now. My grandfather had very early embraced Jesus in his life. And it is my belief that someone, I dont know who, was there to greet him when he past over. To welcome him to his place in heaven.
This has given me a little courage to believe that death, isnt the end. It´s the start of something even better.

I love you Lennart. You will never be forgotten. You fought like a champion til your last breath and Im proud to be your grandchild. I will meet you in heaven. I know I will. Til then, watch over us and guide us though difficult times, and shine upon us in our good times.

Hmm. :P

Well, tomorrows Halloween. The biggest thing aaallll year. HAHA. but Im not doing anything this year. Im still ill and lying in bed. Buh hu sort of. So to cheer myself up I actually been shopping online. Not a lot, but a few things I needed. Like a pair of shoes. They are GOOORGEOUS.

This was a short and kinda boring update. But Im now going back to watching Gossip girl. I´ve very soon gotten through all the seasons. HAHAHA Chuck and Blair.. yummy yummy :P

Til next time.

"Keep it real babe" :P ^^

A big empty feeling

Been trying really hard to jus stop thinking. Not contemplating and worrying about think that doesnt concern me right now. I´ve been trying really hard to just be. Being myself, for myself and not doubting what I am. But It´s really hard. How does anyone do it? How do you all look so damn happy? Are you really that happy or are you just like me. Pretending to be something you´re not.
It could be the grieve. It feels so weird being at my granma´s house.. and not seeing my precious grandfather. The feeling that at any second he´ll just walk through that door and having a cup of coffee is nagging my bone-marrow. Its an acing feeling that doesnt seem to let me go And seen granmother fight every second to not fall apart is heartbreaking. She thinks we cant see it. But I know my family, and I know how people work.
My dad´s mentor, his father, his entire world has been taken from him. He´s keeping up a strong face but his eyes is telling me that he just wants to crawl up in a corner and cry his eyes out.
So this nagging empty feeling is dragging me down.

But dont worry.. just needed to write down some feelings. Feeling better already.

peace and carrots to you all.

Nothing less then you make it

These past days I have been, not floating on clouds, but not far from it. Ive been... almost satisfide with who I am.
And with that in mind, I thought I had been trying to make it better. I really thought I had. But I just realised I havnt. Ive had excuses all day every day. Im not satisfide with my life as it is. Not trying to live each day as my life.
So many people are daying every day with thoughts of what they should have done with life. I dont want to be that person.
I want to really do something new with me every day. Even if it's as a small thing as hugging the people I love one more time or going for that walk in the neighborhood, to do some charity work.
And above all things. Loving myself. Loose all that weight that make me avoid the mirror and other people.
I want to live my life to the fullest and if I look back and regret something Ive done. At least I will have done something.
I do love those few exeptional fantastic people thats in my life. I hope Ill meet more people like them along the way.

Peace and carrots to you all.

:D



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday evening...

A surprisingly fast week has almost past by and a new one soon begins. Im beginning to accept the fact that there´s no creativity, what so ever, in this line of work. It was, and is still in many ways, suffocating me, but I think Im learning to keep my head above the water.
I even started drawing again today. It´s been to long since last. But today I found an inspiring and beautiful man to draw a portrait of. I usually dont draw men. Why!? I dont know. But so far Im quite satisfied with the outcome. Ill keep you updated. hehe
Right now Im also satisfying the geek inside me by watching "Lord of the rings, The two towers". The extended version of course.

A piece of the story

"'Du kommer aldrig vara mer vacker än du är i denna stund.' sa akillies till briseis. Men om du lever för alltid, fryst i samma sekund för all evighet, har det inte riktigt samma betydelse längre."







- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Alien in an alien mad world

Im not ment for this life. Im like akillies and donnie in one person. Ment for greater things then this. This so called life that is punishing me for a crime im not sure ive comitted. Am starting to belive it's some sort of karma. Maybe I did something terrible my past life!?
I can feel it in my stomage that if my loving baby sister wasnt with me in this life, ... That i wouldnt stick around much longer.
Its like donnie in the ending scene. Laughing as he goes. That could be me.
I will never do anything to end it. Theres not enough corage in this body. So i guesse the godess did something right with me.
This is not a cry for help so just ignore it.

Just want to be... more than this discusting human. Cant all these feeling just stop coming?

My tears have now run dry so im gonna try sleeping with this headace.



"As night creeps upon us, we reflect in the last simmer of light, what we've acomplished over the day."

Night night

Prince of persia... Mmmm

Ikväll var jag, Anna och Lina på bio i Jönköping. Detta tråkiga vädret ger en bra sak med sig. Tid för bio. Haha. Vi såg "Prince of Persia" med Jake gyllehaal, Richard coyle och snubben från X-men ( hahah ingen aning om vad han heter. Hahah).
Filmen hinner knappt börja innan jag gillar den. Musik i stil med Trojas soundtrack och mumien typ, inleder filmen och jag vet att detta är en film för mig. Inte särskilt långt där efter kommer stjärnan, Jacob gyllenhaal in bilden och jag älskar filmen. Inte bara för att han är min idol men för att han ger ALLT. När han går in i en roll gör han det på riktigt. Han hade byggt muskler som en mindre bodybuiler, fått långt hår och tränat in en utläcker dialekt. Snacka om att gå fullt ut. Hahah. Detta är en stjärna på HÖG nivå.
Hela filmen var bra filmad. Riktigt häftig stunts som såg riktigt verklighets trogna ut. Det fanns två saker i hela filmen som faktiskt såg data animerade ut. Når dom flyttades i tiden och sanduret. Utöver det var det otroligt bra gjord.

Helt klart fem stjärnor till filmen. Utan tvekan. Men då ska man också ha i åtanke att detta är vad jag anser vad film är. Vad en rätt film är för mig återkommer jag till en annan dag. När jag inte har en Mr Gyllenhaal väntandes på mig i drömmarnas värld. Haha


Natt natt





Aah, that smile makes my knees buckle, and fills my stomage with butterflies.



(No words are nessecery here)

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Trött och sliten

Efter en grymt rolig men ååååh så jobbig helg så äru måndagen här igen. Alla drar iväg på arbete eller skola, och jag sitter hemma. Försökt leta rätt på min ev. chef men hon finns ingenstanns att hitta så jag får ha lite mer tålamod.
Att gå hemma... Inte har något direkt att se fram emot.. och inget som driver mig, gör mig totalt vansinnig. Så därför har jag satt ett mål.
Det kommer förmodligen tyvärr inte slå in men jag får fjärilar i magen av att tänka på att det MÖJLIGTVIS... NÅGON gång skulle kunna hända.
Tänk om jag bara kunde få jobba några månader. Fyra fem skulle gått och väl räcka. Sen skulle jag dra. Dra så långt det faktiskt bara gå. All the way down under. :P
Work and travel har man tittat på minst lika många gånger och om mer än au pair jobben. Få dra iväg till Australien,( pirr i magen). Det bästa är ju att an har lite hjälp med jobben, bankkontakten i början, visum m.m. Oh, vilken dröm. Så därför har jag nu ett mål. Något att stäva efter.
När jag har fått ihop minst, **,***, då flyr jag landet. skaffar ett jobb down under och lever min dröm. Om så bara för något år.

Ahawww, en stor suck. Fem månader känns så långt borta. Men,... MEN, det är ett mål.
Time to start saving, mate. :P

Peace out :)