Cant sleep...

I saw the picture dad sent me of grandpa today. From the week before he past away. It gave me a terrible ache in my stomach. It´s soon two months since.. that awful day and I still dont get it. I saw the coffin. I´ve seen the look in my grandmothers eyes. What´s even worse then that is, that I saw the look on my fathers face. His father, hero, mentor and pretty much his whole life, past away. I KNOW his body is berried. I even know that he lies with his face so he can see the sun rising.
But I cant FEEL it. I cant recall ever seeing my father cry before either. So when I saw dad´s face at the funeral, it was like my heart broke into thousands of pieces. And now Im not only trying to find them all again. I have to put them together. Like I wont believe it, and I wont be whole until they are all back together. The cracks will still be there, but it will be one, whole, piece.

I dont really want to imagine it. But its hard not to these days. That, what will happen the day I face, what my father just did!? Im not entirely sure I can take that. A countless number of times I have woken up and cried in my mothers arms about that day. I believe I was 17 the last time I did that. Not being able to fall asleep because of those thoughts. Or waking up in the middle of the night, sweat actually poring down my face of panic.
The day after an "attack" like that I would usually wake up in cold sweat by the dreams and thoughts of my own death. What DOES really happen when we no longer have a body? Does the soul and mind just sees to exist?
That thought was.. if one can say this, eased by the death of my grandfather.
In those last three days of his life, he was surrounded by his wife and children. They all watched over him by his bed and some of them held his hands.
During that last day, his eyes which were bloodshed and had been closed most of that day....That very last seconds he opened his eyes, now bright white and clear, and looked up. He didnt see his family, even though Im sure he knew they where there. Instead he looked beyond them upon something else. And with a smile he was gone.
Im not a believer. Correction. I Wasn´t a believer until now. My grandfather had very early embraced Jesus in his life. And it is my belief that someone, I dont know who, was there to greet him when he past over. To welcome him to his place in heaven.
This has given me a little courage to believe that death, isnt the end. It´s the start of something even better.

I love you Lennart. You will never be forgotten. You fought like a champion til your last breath and Im proud to be your grandchild. I will meet you in heaven. I know I will. Til then, watch over us and guide us though difficult times, and shine upon us in our good times.